Of my own blood...

Yeah...

2006-04-05T07:58:39Z

and this was supposed to be just from drawings. I can't bring myself to draw. I could bring myself to go pay the car insurance. Lesson learned, I guess. No way out from the government. And the trash is mounting. When I was depressed it was way way worse and I didn't care. I wish I could go back to the I didn't care space without the trash. Will see if I bring myself do to some possible cleaning tomorrow. My two legs are useless, now. I sprained my right knee loading the wheelchair. Watched 4 movies today. Tried to eat McDonalds but couldn't. I am hungry. I don't feel sleepy. Just forget about. Don't worry about things that aren't in my control. Don't care. I want so much to go back to the shadow where I belong. I needed to leave. Guess a natural movement of the psyche. I look and think. For nothing. My new acquired streght enable me to resist my father. Such darkness from hell that was never mine. Fight fights that were never mine in the first place. To no use. It's almost a storm outside. My shadow protects me and keeps me safe. Why did I have to leave. To stay alive. Nobody cares if I live or die. Consigned to oblivion. I am not productive or useful to this world. And with two useless legs. I've been through two weeks of excruciating pain. Alone. Just trying to hold on and not go past some limit of exasperation. My right knee hurts. The whole leg is useless. My left leg. I shouldn't smoke but I feel like smoking to death.
Just patiently waiting. Safe inside myself. Where the levels of pain are tolerable. I want to go to a place where there's no hope or faith. No expectation. Where there's warmth. I am afraid of moving to wrap myself in the blanked because I know it will cause me pain. Should I be proud of enduring pain? I felt like. But it's so stupid. I just want to watch movies. The blessing of Neptune. And feel a pain that's not mine. I am so close to get angry. I don't want to. I feel abandoned. But, by whom? If the whole world abandons you... My personal quest for meaning. To impregnate with meaning a meaninless reality. For the sole purpose of staying alive. Since killing myself would be ungrateful. The cause of suffering is desire. I remember of the time I forgot that I want anything. I don't want anything. I don't need anything. Hurt me when I remembered I wanted things. And the things I can't do.
And there's nobody to help. Why do I try to be helpful. It's so useless in the end. Oblivion. Remember me is all I ask. No, forget me. I wish I could forget and be rational. Reality explodes in my face, but I want to believe. I feel pathetic besides useless. What people want? What people like. Most enjoy living in hell. I don't and that's where I live. This ordeal with my legs. All ten times more difficult. Consuming an absurd amount of energy. I breath heavy after doing the simplest things. Have to stop and regain my breath. Patience. I know I need to learn that. But why so painfully? It's all so sad to the point of exasperation. Who am I to know the will of the gods? Trying to redeem myself and gave meaning to the suffering that ruined my life in this world. It's so absurd. I just want to be inside myself, covered by the shadow. Away from everything. Safe on my own. Without hope.

che

2006-03-16T12:25:43Z

I am just in this weird fould mood. Thinking about relationships and all. Gawds. People annoy me to no end. I shouldn't be bitching, really. I spent what from Monday to today, like I can't go anywhere. I need somebody to help me. I am not going anywhere. I got pissed and said no, I am going to buy that dragon. And I went, dammit. And the Thai girl recognized me and I got my little dragon. I wonder what she thought. Went all that way to spend my money in more crap. Since my father left I have this freak urge to spend lots of money in crap. Then I said, oh, dammit since I am here, I might as well go to Japanese class. I could have gone before. I don't know. I was afraid I wouldn't make it. Even if I could figure out rationally I could. I said the hell. I was loading the chair and put weight on my leg and it hurt. I mean, I don't mind. Just wonder like if I do that one too many times, I may screw my leg. And I am so tempted now to day screw the leg. Oedipus was a sort of redeemed hero and had swoolen feet. Lot's of them heros are lame. But damn, surgery, scar. No. The hell. I was so pissed cause my mother went like oh...my passaport is expired. She went all the way just to check it. I mean, hello, couldn't you have renewed the fucker, right away. She is having this most serious internal conflict about coming and finding all sorts of problems and obstacles. I don't know, my fated trip to Durham. I just waited until I had six hundred bucks and hauled my ass there. I hoped to fix things. But I just wanted to give that damn relationship a decent burial. Cause I loved the person and the relationship. None happened. I don't care if it wasn't fixed, but why that girl didn't have the balls to face me in the eyes and say it's over? She had to have this male to the dirty work for her and threaten to call the cops on me. It's funny cause she was this all warrior woman. Like warrior women indeed. Anyway, everyman for himself, really. I don't need other people to help me drag my broken legged carcass around. I am feeling so rejected and abandoned it's not even funny. And having to keep this though exterior for survival purposes. And wondering about a lot of things. Like, my mother. I never had one. Again she will miss the chance destiny is giving her to make up for a life of abandoning me. Fuck. I really can understand people not liking me. Not even my parents like me, for that matter. Funny, cause my father bitches I don't like him. Just this time his emotional blackmail didn't quite work. It's amazing how parents use you. Like, all the money in the world won't pay for that bastard having used me as his personal toy. I kinda don't feel guilty of bleeding him out of his money. Damn sick bastard. People love their neurosis. I mean, choose between a known hell and an unknown heaven. You guessed what the choice will be. I mean, I sure wanted guarantees on that relationship. But I guess I learned there's no guarantee. I cannot promise I love you forever. And like, I am getting more comfortable with that. Like, relationship are a gamble. Everything in this life is a gamble, when one comes to think. My father wanted by all means me going back to Brazil. I said, hell no! And I will say it again. I had enough. I have faith I guess. But even if I get to live in the streets. I will be healthier in the streets than living close to those two 24/7. There's one one thing I need to save. The little mental health I rescued from the dark pits of hell. Save my damn soul. No money will pay up for that. I will have to deal with his very own frustated self plus his frustration with the fact that this particular trained money of his went all wrong. He is such an ass. He things my life going wrong is his fault. I mean he can't brag about him making me a success. He will gladly take the blame for this failure that I am. He is like god. Responsible my whatever happened to my life. Great. He *made* me! I wish I could kick his ass so bad.
I mean, join my hands and break his skull and make him into a bloody mess.
Yes! Go back to mommy and daddy. They will help you feel fucking great! Rather face the hell you know than bet your lucky in something new. Things would be hard. Choices. Paying atenttion to one's own behavior. Dealing with a stranger. Deadly stranger! I am so tired of this all bullshit. Life is simple. But people cannot live without drama. I guess it would be too boring. Just concentrating in one problem at the time. Good thing with the wheel-chair I have to do things damn slowly. It's good because, so what? There's no future. I am not going anywhere. Just slowly do what I have to do. Like carefully folding the damn chair and jumping around the car in one leg. It's not my idea of fun. But. I will survive. That's all the gods ask me, I think. Just be alive. Because that is all we need to know to know that you are grateful to us.
The rest is bullshit.

My life is a damn fairy tale

2006-03-07T18:09:35Z

Man, I look at the kings and fathers on fairy tales. I thought they were evil. But nothing compares to my father. The guy is like, the whole European Collective Unconscious couldn't imagine such monster. We spent four days now arguing about why do I need a wheelchair. The fuck! If that ain't crazy, I don't know what it is. I have no words at this point to describe a father who question the need of his broken legged daughter to have a wheel-chair. I think the Bible said which father, when his son asks for a piece of bread, would give him a stone? It's a rhetorical question because there is no such thing. I thought there wasn't. This guy is evil. Even a stranger would feel some sort of compassion for somebody who can't walk and is in pain. And this fucker is my father. Oh...I am a spoiled princess. Your father always did everything you wanted...Right. He gives you money! You're a lazy ass who doesn't want to work!
You should be grateful.
The hell, I am not. I've been thinking of the whole psychology of this bastard and in two words, without going into details, he is a sick fucker. I mean a very sick fuck.
Right now, I need some support and affection. I am aching, I got problems with the law to solve. I don't need to be criticized and thought as a piece of shit.
It doesn't matter if I am right or wrong. He is my father not my damn judge. His job is to protect me and help me. Not to judge and make me feel even worse than I am feeling right now. He has no perception whatsoever of the feeling of another person, and *bitches* because I don't like him. And left Brazil to be away from him. He wants me back there. So he can hurt and humiliate me some more. I came here and spend years doing the exact same thing he did to me to myself. When I finally stopped doing that, guess who's back. This fucker.
Honestly. I need a hero now. To kill this bastard, to make him understand that he's not god. And he is not responsible for my life turning out *bad*. Cause I didn't. I am not a bad person. I am not a criminal. I do wrong things but everybody does. I am not successful in the real world. So the fucking what? I am nice and kind to people. I love my friends, I love and took care of my bunnies for as long as they lived. My bunnies loved me. I was a success for them. I fed them and petted them and gave them shelter. They weren't abandoned animals. My father treats me worse than a shelter animal.
I am trying to keep my balance and sense but it's hard.

Yet some on Karen Carpenter

2006-02-16T22:33:26Z

Don't you remember you told me...

I know nothing about this new generation. All I can think is of my own teenager years. Living under severe dictatorship doesn't help quite much, but I digress.
Anyhow. I listen to this song and I go: Owww… young lady! Your question can be only be answered with another: Don't you know, little darling, that people will say *anything* to get what the want? Are you aware that people can... lie? Are you aware that the length of people's memories is an amazingly changeable thing?
The story one can guess out of the song is truly heart-breaking. Are you really *that* naïve? And I look at myself and go oh, I remember... I did ask that very same question and I wasn't exactly a teenager! Ok, let's think about Goebbels for a bit. A lie repeated so many times will become…truth! If you listen to something for six months during every waken and unwaken hour of that period of time. What happens? You wind up, almost unvoluntarelly, believing that yes! They are telling the truth. Why does that occur? Because we need to believe? Because we don't love ourselves and need to be reassured of love's existence through external factors? I don't know! Is that worth knowing?
One cannot really blame older, experienced people of going: Oh, come on. Don't give that bs! Don't insult my intelligence. Reduced as it may be, it's the only one the gods gave me! Sorry, you have no means to evaluate how it irritates me deeply and profoundly! I'll bite ya!!! You don't even really know me! Who do you think I am? What do you want from me? I don't have no money. I am a damn loser! State your expectations right up front and clearly, so I can disappoint you right from the start. With no hard feelings left for the future! Oh, but you said that you…and you would never… and we would… I don't understand. The present can be kinda decent if you look at in in a certain light. Still, people seem to feast in promises and lies and hopes for the future. I have no future. I can only expect the consequences of what I doing right now as this brilliant *future* I am chasing as we speak. Is that what you want? The truth. Ha! You know what happens to people who tell the truth! Do you love them? Don't coming crying now, you said this you said that. I just said what you wanted to hear. Don't blame me!

blame it on my

2005-10-12T06:49:48Z

Well, as I said, this ain't nobody's business but I woke up in a foul mood today.

First, and as Muninn-sama wisely remarked, if everybody in America read Marx, they'd all become hippies and nobody would work. To which I responded, eh, like me?

Anyway, even with that in mind, I think Marx is a genius. Said wrong stuff and all but… And like all geniuses, very misunderstood, especially by the stupid asses leftsist teachers I had in College, but I digress.

Fact is, for example. When he said, religion is the opium of the people. He didn't mean what we think we mean. In his time, opium was like aspirin, so the poor people couldn't afford medicine for pain so they went to Church. Nothing more and nothing less. He simply didn't talk about religion. So, many people think, oh Marxists are godless people.

Nah. Only stupid wanna-be Marxists are. Cause his point wasn't about Religion. We gotta give him some because, he lived in tumultous times and he never totally got rid of the messianic thing his people have. And the third thing is…he never should have left the Academy. Cuz intellectuals are intellectuals. And damn nothing more pathetic that freaking elitists intellectuals wanting to be on the side of the people…I remember this teacher of mine, he named his kid Emiliano, for Emiliano Zapata. Poor kid. I mean for a teacher this guy was pretty stupid. Anyway. First thing to figure out Marx is necessary to figure out his time and such. Second, is to see that he himself was clear about the limits of his theory. As I said, he didn't speak of the invisible. His concern, in a time where Capitalism ruled the souls of every living being in the West was economy and sociology and politics. So, no talk about religion now.

My point basically is about his little book The Judaic Question. And you will, damn it's about religion. No, that's exactly his point.

In his time, the Jews were second class citizens. Sorta like the Black people and the gay people and whatever people that may feel discriminated and persecuted and vilified and whatever. And the Jews in Germany in the 19th didn't have any rights or nothing.

And well, like today, there was this whole movement for Jew marriage, hey… no I think it was for Jewish vote cuz they could marry…but you know this whole civil rights stitcht and oh, they hate me because I am…insert yer minority group here. Well, Marx, he himself a Jew, said betraying his own people, cause he had no character. He said basically…people…this is Not about being Jew. This is about being human. And being human and being exploited economically by other humans. And it don't really matter if yer a Jew or not. Because only when ALL people (eee… he was a damn Aquarian rising) have rights, Jews and non-Jews is that the things will be right. In other words, he meant to say that discriminating Jews was just the excuse for the reality of discriminating people and the basis of this discrimination was economic.

So, why I am saying this. Because, today, gay apparently became the lightining rod of some people. Either if they they're *for* or *against* them. Basically the ruling class is using the Lumpenproletariat as the spearhead of its big propaganda machine and he sole purpose of this machine, in my opinion is to keep people busy and distracted from the real issues, which are economic. I mean, they love non-political issues. Such as abortion, evolution and gayness. Those issues, again in my opinion are ultimately non-political because they are issues that have to do with the individual alone. Like, to have kids or not…it's certainly political but it depends on the will of the individuals who are well, involved in the process of making a kid. As a woman, I'd say it's the woman's business but I won't go on my sexual theory right now. Evolution? I mean, who cares? I think it's fun in a sense, because science has become so arrogant and distant of the real needs of the rest of humanity, that it took the most ignorant and illiterate and stupid of them to tell scientists yer idiots. Ha! Serves them right. Even if I hate the Catholic Church, if you talk with a priest who isn't totally imbecile, they will ha! They will tell ya that the theory of evolution doesn't go against the principles of the Church. How about that? Surprise, surprise, among Christians, Catholics aren't the stupidest ones as to go against something that is the most logical explanation up to now for the origin of the universe and human beings.

Finally the gay issue… I mean, to whom should one's sexual preferences concern other than the person her or himself and the other person who is going to bed with the first one. I mean…does it damn matter? Will I be a better or worse person if I am gay or not? I personally don't care, it ain't my business. Unless I was willing to go to bed with people, but here, man y'all too young and honestly… When I want to pick up somebody on the internet, I know the place to go. It's called Gay.com To the people there it matters if I am gay or not. To the people here, I really don't think so.

You see, I am also left-handed. And there was a time, when left-handed people were considered evil. I mean honestly, for me…being gay or left-handed is like pretty much the same thing in terms of does it matter?

I've known gay people for a long time. And damn if they aren't as sordid as straight people. They are just people. So what? My best friends are gay. They helped a lot to deal with my own gayness or whatever you call it. But they're they. They're wonderful loving and compassionate people. And that's not because they're gay. Gay people also screwed me big time. And? Are gay people good or not evil? What's the point?

But yes, as much as I don't care as I am, some times some stuff annoys me some.

It's when people go like…I ain't gay but I think gays are persecuted and should marry. Or so and so looks gay. The fuck! You ain't gay this ain't absolutely none of your business. We gay people are doing very well, thanks. Without your condescending and patronizing help. And what do you know about being gay? Yaoi? Porno? Guys who are feminine and girls who are masculine? I mean…damn, how shallow of ya! I've known tons and tons of feminine women who well…weren't exactly found of what straight women are….They wore skirts and make up and all but…huh… I'd be damn! Also like my friend Leda, she looked like a damn dyke to me. She had the hair shorter than mine wore a hat, swore worse than a sailor and guess what? She is straight as an arrow!

See, those things are tricky, I tell ya! What's gay is all about? It's damn complex issue in my opinion. The most women who call themselves gay are like, women who are poisoned by the masculine. They're brutal, uncompassionate and hateful. And this really ain't gay to me. Man, I can't believe. I went back the other day to the gay chatroom and was like…how in hell did I spend so many years here? And I realized that I engaged in those hate filled senseless fights….that still exactly the same as when I left there. And I called people names, said hurtful things to total strangers. I mean why? I don't know these people, why did I feel the need to hurt them, to be disrespectful, to be mean? And yes, they're women and they lie like women. I think of my ex and won't go into the whole deal, but like she was this *warrior woman* and all into swords and Irish warriors against England and Celtic bullshit. You know? Like one day we had this most stupid argument. Next thing I know I got an e-mail saying I talk to you when I get better. Next thing I know, a *friend* of hers came to the room and was like…Jai tried to hurt herself. Of course, I freaked out. And I soon as I could, I hauled my worried ass to Durhan, North Carolina and guess what. She asked her male roommate to tell me there no Jai here, there never was. You get the fuck out of here or I will call the cops. I mean, quex the mighty stalker!!!! Ha! How brave of you Jai Holloway, Celtic warrior! How strong and honest you and all your warrior bullshit were! You were so feminist and all! Can't live without a male can ya? Wow, I just wanted to give this relationship a decent and honorable burial. Because I really loved you and cared about you! Because, I try to be decent and honest in my dealings with people. Because you really were important to me. And the feelings that I had for you were important. Ha! Because in the end, I think gay is about love. And not about hatred, and not about disrespect and hurting others.

So that's just it, it's not complicated. It's just about being honest to oneself. It's about love. And some times having sex with people who you love and happen to be of the same sex that you are. Do I love *every* woman I meet to the point of willing to have sex with them? No. Do you love every one of the opposite sex to the point of wanting to have sex with them? I don't think so. But, I still love people deeply, and that has nothing to do with sex. And for me that's the only thing that matter.

The great, dark, terrible night of the soul

2005-10-08T21:15:27Z

I always wanted to be a knight! (Aries rising, Mars in the tenth)

2005-10-03T23:33:06Z

I love you and I adore you!
But I will never put up with your arrogance!
That pretty much sums up and ruins my life.

You know what's funny?

2005-10-01T11:53:41Z

That bastard father of mine will be happy. The disgusting fucker hates animals. Well, what doesn't he hate, anyway? Useless creatures. Yeah, they loved me. Even more useless, and I won't be spending money on them. The only creatures who cared about me don't deserve to live. And the best part is the criminal insane monster who beat me as a baby doesn't have to worry about rent or food. Why? Because my father gives shelter, a whole house where that criminal can live well and happy to the insane monster who beat me for years with no end.
Yes, why don't I have a sense of ego? Why am I not functional? Why I can't take care of myself and deep down think don't deserve love or to have anything of my own? Put two and two together, daddy. You hate me. I mean, called or not called, god is present. Meaning, no matter what your noble Christian intentions were with me, the bottom line, your actions, show exactly what you want to destroy me. To destroy life and sanity and all possibility thereof.
Because you're unhappy, evil, frustrated, nothing around you can grow and thriver. I can't believe he rather support somebody who wanted to see me dead and let some poor rabbit who loved me die.
I mean, fuck. It's just that. Fuck. Damn...I don't deserve anything. I deserve to die, isn't it? Because I wasn't able to fulfil the stupid dreams spawned by your incompetence and failure as a human being. And someone who accepts me and loves for what I am. Somebody who forgive my mistakes, somebody who doesn't judge me, somebody who comes close to me without prejudice or expectations is somebody you hate, isn't it, daddy? And somebody who destroyed, broke and maimed my weak and indefense ego deserves your inconditional support.
You fuckers. I mean of course I was an *agressive* child. You never defended me. You never protected me, you never supported me in whatever I could be, because I never was what you expected me to be. And this mosnter who wanted to see me dead. Well, he gets to live. He gets to relax in his insanity. He doesn't have to work because he is sick. I am fucking sick, too. Damn@
I hurt like hell. I have no measure. I have no focus...I have nothing. But I have to work. I can't I couldn't I was damn depressed and sick. Damn it I am weak...I have limits I am not like everybody else. I can't take care of myself all that well. I took care of the rabbits the best I could. It helped me so much. I would have really died, if I didn't have them to take care of. If I didn't have them to be with me. Some time I just can't do stuff. I just can't damn it. And you really had to make it all like then times worse and more difficult. I don't know math...damn it. I don't. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. I have to carry the burden of you high expectations for the rest of my damn life. I am just a little girl. And I never could be that. I had to defend myself... and I had no fucking idea of how to do it. It hurts so much. I just know fear and pain. That's all I know. That's all I could ever really feel. I don't know to love. I didn't learn how to love and to care...for myself. I hate myself....I have no patience with myself. And the bunnies liked me. Honey Bunny love me for what I am. She wasn't afraid of me. she didn't think I was weird or different. She didn't care about what I was. She liked me.
She didn't care if I was depressed or maniac or nothing. She didn't care if I were smart or had a degree or knew how to draw or took good pictures or posted the damn pictures or nothing...if I read books or could talk about Jung or what the fuck ever. When I laid down, she would come for me to pet her...she wanted me. I didn't have to be cool or pretty or nothing...she just liked me. Just like that. My baby bunny...my little bunny...oh gawd I'm crying so much that I've puked. I am so lonely without you Honey Bunny... Damn, it hurts so deep down. She was part of my life and I died some with her. She had to die when I was getting better. Nobody cares. It was such a effort to start to get better. Mean nothing to nobody. And I meant so much to her. I mean my fucked up, clumsy failed self was important to her.

hidaritewayo @ 2005-09-23T14:39:00

2005-09-23T21:39:54Z

Yay! Found my book! Eh...soon...^_^

Really...

2005-09-06T11:03:48Z

A small set of rules for the young!

Which is the best way to tell obvious truths to mom and dad? Many young ones over the centuries have came to this point where they *just* needed to tell their parents about certain facts of life. But they have this tendency of going well, straight to the point! No. Parents are delicate and sensible critters, who need to be handled with care! So:
1. Move to a foreign country.
2. When your parents come visiting take them to places like West Hollywood.
3. When there say: "Look at all those flags! Purty, ain't them?"
4. When back in your native country, take one of those flags for you friends with you. Better if it says: March on Washington 1993.
5. Open your luggage visibly and ostensibly in front of your parents.
6. Wait for daddy to see the flag and say: "Hey! Isn't it *that* flag???"
7. Say: "Sure it is! It's for the boyz!!!"
8. Your father will say, in state of mild shock: "The boys??? Are they...?"
9. Say: "Oh...come on, daddy! They've been living together in that house of yours for years, now. Isn't that obvious!!! Damn straight they're gay! And heck! So am I, for Christs sakes!"
10. Mother will say: "Does that mean that woman you were living with was your..."
11. You say: "Sure, what else that might have meant?"
And the brilliant results will be:
1. Mother leaves the living room and goes sulk in a corner. You go ask: "What's wrong, mother?" Mother: "I suspected that! What did I do wrong?" as she goes back covering face with hands.
2. Father (rocking in rocking chair smiling condescendingly ): "it's ok...You are...eccentric!" (Just wait until you come back here with company and you will see what will happen next!)

What's like ice but burns?

In other words, I am fucking stoopid!!!

Well...

2005-08-29T04:45:26Z

Yo...Hakuryuu

2005-08-13T23:17:00Z

Hakuryuu Hikaru – Vice Captain of the 15th plus division

Physical Description:
Height: 1.48 m yep…a shortie!
Age: You don’t really want to know. Probably hundreds years old. But acts like a retarded kid most of the time.
Sex: Hasn’t had in a good damn while. Female, but likes to pretend she is tough.
Eye color: Huh can’t really tell. Always with dark glasses. Eyes closed when not. Hakuryuu is not really blind. But the fact is, she can’t see a damn thing during daylight. However, can she see pretty damn well in the dark. Still, don’t mention…99.9% of the time she tries to hide her deficiency.
Hair color: Changes. Goes from black to red to white to gold. It’s very short, but has a tail which she keeps hiding. Fact is. The hair indicates the state of her power. Gold at full black at lowest. She dyes her hair gray in order to hide it. But if you manage to see the tail it can’t be dyed so you can find out how strong/weak she is.
Ancestry: Unknown. She will tell you lots of stories about her past. Mostly plain lies. She has no clue as of where she comes from. Her name is totally made up to impress other people.
Powers:
Hikaru’s power is basically in her eyes. When she takes her glasses out, she can fulminate people in an instant with lightning. But it’s very hard to achieve. She has to be at her full power. And for that to happen, she has to come out in the sun to recharge. Or sleep for years and years. Since she can see very little during day time, she hates to come out in the sun.
The story she will tell goes something like this:
Took a long time for her to figure out her power. But one day she met Urahara Kisuke while he was hanging around the Rukongai. Somehow he took pity on her (reasons not explained) and gave her a lot of gadgets to compensate for her weakness. At the time, he also created this 15 plus division, for well *special* Shinigami. She has some talent for kidoh, though.
Gadgets:
Kick ass boots: When everything else fails, stomp it!
Watch: Used to stop time. It’s very complicated to put the boots on and tied them and such, so in the heat of battle she can stop time to do that. She doesn’t wear boots all the time. Normally, she will wear geta because Kisuke-san is her all time hero and role-model. Still she has no clue that stopping time can have other uses.
Nenju: Hikaru likes to pretend she is a good person. So she wears this Buddhist rosary.
More that that, it’s an excuse. When she is bored or doesn’t want to hear stuff she needs to hear, she goes away on *meditation*. She mostly pulls and slings it against her wrist, when she is impatient. Makes this annoying ticking noise.
Omamori: Hikaru is very superstitions and always carry a ton of omamori with her. She has special ones saying things like: Gaman shiro, Kutabare, Shine, Zakeruna and such to throw at enemies. Also some saying Shikkari ikki, Shinpai suru na and such to throw at friends. She rather not talk as much as she does. If she could she’d just throw omamoris at people…Problem is, it’s not always they work!
Swiss Army knife: Another in case of everything else fails thing.
Bag of tricks: She can pull *anything* outta that!
Zanpakutou: Name unknown (Hebil…huh…not sure). It’s a snake cane. She uses it mostly to support herself while bitching she is old. Turns into a camera which she uses to capture the souls of her enemies. If she is a good mood she will return them, eventually.
Otherwise, she will fulminate their bodies and keep the souls as a keepsake.

Yeah, guess it’s about it for now

yeah...my most cretin pic ever and some cosplay!

2005-08-07T01:01:31Z

Eh...no wonder *both* Jupiter and Saturn hate me...heh, heh

Well, this ain't the complete attire, but it's close.^_^

Eh...Runic Priestess...riiiiiiiiiight!

Atashi no karasu de gozaimasu, ne?

2005-08-07T00:54:48Z

I drawn these adorable guys hmm around 90-91 not sure...Since then I've promissed myself to take some time to make them better. Well, needless to say...Last time, I spilled a bottle of india ink (in Portuguese we call it Nankin...like the Chinese city...dunno really why) on my pants...Oh. well, I will get to them.

この私のなまえは白竜光

2005-08-06T18:40:26Z

Now...this I am going to give to my therapist!

2005-08-05T17:42:42Z

Eh... she was so jealous when I told her I'd found this other feather. Then we sat there and she, instead of curing me as she is paid for, she took this book about crows and such and started reading. Then she took her Dutch book of Grimm's Fairy Tales and watched me going into ectasis looking at them pics and remembering them storiez. So I went out of my way...really I went back from the post office through a different way and found this. She don't know yetz but she is going to take them pics of mee in full Hakuryuu Hikaru regalia! <<<<<<< Serves her right...though it's kinda sad I don't have them friendz in this place/city/country or whatever. It's smaller and looks prettier than the one that I found before, but I ain't keeping.

It's not that I like crows just because of some...eh...Like my second thought when I was coming to the USA was like Wow...I am going to see real crows! How old were you in 1991? Che!My friend Leda likez them urubus. They are kewl, but not very exact the same thing, First thought was Hey, the seasons will be right! I didn't know it would be too damn hot here, but then again.

Besides!!!Then crows are them birds of Hermes!!! And of Odin!!! It's only fair that I honor them on my damn own. Coincidence? Yeah! That's damn it! Zakeru, na...omee! Wow...that was so not girl like from me!!!

Mas se o sangue em mim nunca estanca...

2005-08-05T04:49:25Z

Akai, na atashi wa...

Laurie

2005-08-05T04:41:09Z

Ah...Desire!

It is cold as ice

then

it's hot as fire!

First is red and then is blue...

And every time I see an iceberg it reminds me of you...

Que es mas macho? Iceberg or volcano?

Man...

2005-08-05T03:46:32Z

yah...needs to find my book.
it's all so damn painful. I took two bags of trash out, today.
like two years of darkest depression took me here. I am just trying to get back to the world of the living. I mean, is it worth...necessary? Wakaranai...
Zettai wakarimasen.
Deal with pain. Do I really have to? Like that Mayuri scene...the more I think of it, the more it hurts. He is so much like my father. And I am so much like Nemu. Daddy will never forgive me for not being perfect.I will never forgive myself for that. For not being able to do in life the things he himself failed to do. Exactly like Mayuri. Yeah, daddy I am sick. Nope...*my* daughter could not possible be sick. It's like...I should have gotten over it. Stop blaming my father for the way my life has gotten screwed. For the way I screwed my life. Like, he did a great job programming me to screw myself in the future.
I wish I could find in myself some compassion for myself. Nobody else will ever. Like that Fliengender Hollander story. Sailing the seven seas searching for redemption. Damn, I didn't do no deal with them damn devil! Daddy did!
Not me!!! Atashi wa onna no ko dake... This damn elusive feminine that is missing. Like chopped hands. Water of life. I so incredibly and painfully miss that in myself.
Somehow it was easier when I was just sitting here waiting for death to take me.
I shall fear hope.
Light is way more dangerous than darkness.
Qvaero qvod imposibile.

Yakusoku!!!

2005-08-04T22:16:50Z

Ok...here's the deal.
As soon as I get to my books and find Drawing with the Right Side of the Brain I will be updating this Journal every day with exercises and drawings.
Before I go into a long and pathetic self-depreciating rant...
This is nobody's business. I don't need uncompassionated eyes staring at my stuff. I am doing this because...I like to draw. And will qvaero qvod imposibile. Not going into arrogance. Being an arrogant person myself, I don't need to deal with anybody else's arrogance. I am already bored to tears with my own.

hidaritewayo @ 2005-08-04T10:45:00

2005-08-04T17:46:31Z

hidaritewayo @ 2005-08-04T10:35:00

2005-08-04T17:36:54Z