| My life is a damn fairy tale |
[07 Mar 2006|09:53am] |
Man, I look at the kings and fathers on fairy tales. I thought they were evil. But nothing compares to my father. The guy is like, the whole European Collective Unconscious couldn't imagine such monster. We spent four days now arguing about why do I need a wheelchair. The fuck! If that ain't crazy, I don't know what it is. I have no words at this point to describe a father who question the need of his broken legged daughter to have a wheel-chair. I think the Bible said which father, when his son asks for a piece of bread, would give him a stone? It's a rhetorical question because there is no such thing. I thought there wasn't. This guy is evil. Even a stranger would feel some sort of compassion for somebody who can't walk and is in pain. And this fucker is my father. Oh...I am a spoiled princess. Your father always did everything you wanted...Right. He gives you money! You're a lazy ass who doesn't want to work!
You should be grateful.
The hell, I am not. I've been thinking of the whole psychology of this bastard and in two words, without going into details, he is a sick fucker. I mean a very sick fuck.
Right now, I need some support and affection. I am aching, I got problems with the law to solve. I don't need to be criticized and thought as a piece of shit.
It doesn't matter if I am right or wrong. He is my father not my damn judge. His job is to protect me and help me. Not to judge and make me feel even worse than I am feeling right now. He has no perception whatsoever of the feeling of another person, and *bitches* because I don't like him. And left Brazil to be away from him. He wants me back there. So he can hurt and humiliate me some more. I came here and spend years doing the exact same thing he did to me to myself. When I finally stopped doing that, guess who's back. This fucker.
Honestly. I need a hero now. To kill this bastard, to make him understand that he's not god. And he is not responsible for my life turning out *bad*. Cause I didn't. I am not a bad person. I am not a criminal. I do wrong things but everybody does. I am not successful in the real world. So the fucking what? I am nice and kind to people. I love my friends, I love and took care of my bunnies for as long as they lived. My bunnies loved me. I was a success for them. I fed them and petted them and gave them shelter. They weren't abandoned animals. My father treats me worse than a shelter animal.
I am trying to keep my balance and sense but it's hard.
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[23 Sep 2005|02:39pm] |
Yay! Found my book! Eh...soon...^_^
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| Atashi no karasu de gozaimasu, ne? |
[06 Aug 2005|05:48pm] |
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I drawn these adorable guys hmm around 90-91 not sure...Since then I've promissed myself to take some time to make them better. Well, needless to say...Last time, I spilled a bottle of india ink (in Portuguese we call it Nankin...like the Chinese city...dunno really why) on my pants...Oh. well, I will get to them.
( von Lugens Raben! )
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| Man... |
[04 Aug 2005|08:31pm] |
yah...needs to find my book.
it's all so damn painful. I took two bags of trash out, today.
like two years of darkest depression took me here. I am just trying to get back to the world of the living. I mean, is it worth...necessary? Wakaranai...
Zettai wakarimasen.
Deal with pain. Do I really have to? Like that Mayuri scene...the more I think of it, the more it hurts. He is so much like my father. And I am so much like Nemu. Daddy will never forgive me for not being perfect.I will never forgive myself for that. For not being able to do in life the things he himself failed to do. Exactly like Mayuri. Yeah, daddy I am sick. Nope...*my* daughter could not possible be sick. It's like...I should have gotten over it. Stop blaming my father for the way my life has gotten screwed. For the way I screwed my life. Like, he did a great job programming me to screw myself in the future.
I wish I could find in myself some compassion for myself. Nobody else will ever. Like that Fliengender Hollander story. Sailing the seven seas searching for redemption. Damn, I didn't do no deal with them damn devil! Daddy did!
Not me!!! Atashi wa onna no ko dake... This damn elusive feminine that is missing. Like chopped hands. Water of life. I so incredibly and painfully miss that in myself.
Somehow it was easier when I was just sitting here waiting for death to take me.
I shall fear hope.
Light is way more dangerous than darkness.
Qvaero qvod imposibile.
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| Yakusoku!!! |
[04 Aug 2005|03:11pm] |
Ok...here's the deal.
As soon as I get to my books and find Drawing with the Right Side of the Brain I will be updating this Journal every day with exercises and drawings.
Before I go into a long and pathetic self-depreciating rant...
This is nobody's business. I don't need uncompassionated eyes staring at my stuff. I am doing this because...I like to draw. And will qvaero qvod imposibile. Not going into arrogance. Being an arrogant person myself, I don't need to deal with anybody else's arrogance. I am already bored to tears with my own.
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hidaritewayo's journal